Finality

Sept 13th of last year was the day my papa passed away. The two days that followed were a blur and I was in a blur and thank God my husband and family helped get me through. I remember making the funeral arrangements and picking out the clothes for him to be buried in. We let Colby pick out which hat he wanted on him. We had the wake, I don’t remember much about that, it really is a blur and I think when your brain can’t wrap around something, the endorphins or adrenaline or something kicks in the keeps you moving, breathing, living.

The day of his funeral, September 15, 2012…we had a small graveside service with family and some special friends. It hurt. Bad. I think that was the worst pain of the whole thing even though it was a rejoicing, it was a finality here on this earth. He lives on though here as well, in my son who thought there was no one in the whole world like his Papa Clyde, and with me and my childhood memories and in my daddy who had him to look up to for 18 more years than I did, and in his sister Lou who was with him way longer than Daddy was, and the many, many friends he had who loved him just as much as we do…so you see, he does live on down here as well.

That night after the funeral, there was a sweet baby girl born to a sweet family with whom Papa was a part of, not by blood but by love. She never got to meet him here, but I know she will hear all about him and also about a wonderful grandma she didn’t get to meet here as well. I know her mama will tell her about how papa spoiled everyone around him 🙂

Really then, there is no finality, even though last year at this time, I felt like it was. They say the first year of someone being gone is the hardest and I believe it, but I have had more good days and memories than bad and I also know that I will see him again one day so that eases the pain. To everyone who didn’t know him, you missed out. He was amazing, so generous and kind…yeah today hurts worse than two days ago, but I am one year closer to seeing him again.

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Air head

Ya know, I like to think I’m pretty smart about some things. I don’t know everything, but I do know a little bit about a lot of things. But….(yes, I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with but) I am dingy sometimes.

I was thinking about the last time Robert and I did out IUI procedure. I was laying on the 2 foot by 3 foot comfy little table, in a room that wasn’t much bigger than that, the doctor had told me to just lie there for a few minutes and left us alone to wait. I am not one for patience or lying still, flat on my back on the matchbox they call a table.

After about 57 minutes (really it was probably 6) I told Robert to help me sit up I was done, he said, “no, just lay there a few more minutes.”

My reply?

“Me?”

Robert, in his typical sarcastic Robert way said, “nah, that girl laying over there in the floor…”

I really don’t know what I was thinking, why I would even question to whom he was talking since it was just us two in there. We had a great laugh over it and hopefully when we do the procedure this time I won’t think back to that in front of our doctor mid procedure and get on one of my famous laughing fits.

Wonder if you can get kicked out of a reproductive endocrinologists office….

Technology stinks sometimes

Last weekend Robert and I drove out to North Wilkesboro. I had told him I didn’t want to use the GPS, who is affectionately known as Gloria and has been for years since I got her. I wanted to just use road signs and explore. Once we got on 421 I saw signs for the winery out there, Rafaldini. I had been wanting to go out there and take some pictures. I turned off on that exit and saw a sign that pointed the way. We kept going and we were talking and laughing. It felt like we had been going longer than the 3.7 miles the sign had said it was. When we got to Jonesville, I knew we had missed a turn. On the way we had passed a skydive place (I’m NOT doing that) and Robert wanted to stop and check it out. We talked to a girl in there and she gave him all the details about it…I’m still not doing it. While we were in there I saw a brochure for the winery we were trying to find. I asked the girl where it was and she said its back that way, pointing to the way we had originally came from. We had missed the turn. Back on the road again (we will be going back to the skydiving place one of these days, but not fir me) we drove some more. I never saw any signs for it though and we ended up back on the road that takes you back to 421. I said let’s just forget it and go on to North Wilkesboro. Robert said no let’s just get out Gloria and see where to go. So I am pulled over on the side of the road under an overpass and we wait for her to warm up…and wait….and wait. I finally have no patience left because I barely have any to start with. So I start driving again so she can get a satellite signal. By this time Robert has looked it up on his phone and starts telling me which way to go. We had originally missed the road because we were talking and I was looking at a pretty old barn and thinking what a pretty picture it would be. So as we turn into the driveway, Gloria then pipes up from the floorboard….”you have reached your destination.” Thanks Gloria, you were such a help!!! We died laughing and I had to talk Robert out of throwing her out the window. We got there at 10:30 and they don’t open until 11, but the gate was open and I just wanted pictures outside anyway so we probably were trespassing, but no one said anything and there were some cars there. Anyway, it was worth it to get these….

Robert had a spit bubble in the side of his mouth LOL…I was going to edit it out, but I think it’s cute 🙂

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I love my new camera!!!

You hid what?!?

I was talking to one of my friends the other day and this memory came to my mind….

When I was little, I was papas’ girl. I remember crying after him at the bowling alley a few times if mama and daddy didn’t let me leave and stay with him. He spoiled me and showed me off to everyone. When he had the stroke last June, it seems like all my other memories just kind of were forgotten so I’m glad when something different pops into my head to remind me how he really was.

After Colby was born papa asked us to move in with him because he had just gotten his CDL (at 67 years old!!) and was going to be running west coast. It was a win win situation for us. He was gone most of the time so it worked well…most of the time.

You never really know someone though until you live with them. Papa had a bottle of mouthwash sitting on the bathroom counter forever. The dentist had given it to him, but I never saw the volume go down so I didn’t think he used it very often, so one day when I was cleaning I put it under the sink in the cabinet. Not too far, just right as you open it on the edge of the cabinet.

Fast forward a couple of days and he gets home from a run. I get out of nursing school and go to mamas to get Colby and she asks if I had been home yet. I said, “no, why”? She told me that papa had hid my hair dryer because he thought I hid his mouthwash. Really?!?

I went home and he wasn’t there and sure enough I found my hair dryer where mama said it would be. I was livid. I proceeded to write him a nasty little note and told him I wished we could move and all this other hurtful stuff that I now regret, but it is what it is, and I left it where he would find it. We then went out to eat and run errands and get out so I wouldn’t be there when he got home.

That evening when we returned, he met me at the back door with tears in his eyes and said, “I’m sorry baby doll!”

We talked about it and I asked him if he even looked for it and he dropped his head and said so sadly, “no.”

There were some interesting times in that seven years we lived together. I still loved him tremendously, but sometimes I wanted to strangle him too. I tried to always tell him if I moved something after that and he never hid my hair dryer again.

Honey pies and ice cream

Warning…rather long post today 🙂

In our young married couples Sunday school class, we are reading a book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I read aloud the first chapter last night and Robert and I talked some about how things are different now in our relationship than the beginning. Lots of differences.

Before we began our reading though, he had mentioned that he wanted a couple of “honey pies” (just waffles with peanut butter and honey on them, but that’s what he calls them). He had slept all afternoon and I’m sure he was hungry and getting ready to go to work at 11.

Well, my mind is crazy right now with some changes going on in life and I totally forgot that he was hungry and didn’t fix him honey pies after I finished reading. He didn’t remind me and so about 10:25 as he was getting his shoes on to leave he said, “you know what I really enjoyed? Those honey pies…”

I felt like dirt.

I’m such a pleaser and I had failed as a wife. He was just joking and picking with me, but it still bothered me.

On his way to work he called to tell me again to not fret over it and that he just wanted to give me a hard time. He then brought up a story of another time I had forgotten something he wanted and how it was used to help another couple we know…

We had been to Winston one day and on our way home, Robert mentioned he would like some McDonald’s ice cream (the boy has an insatiable sweet tooth!!). Well, I drove past Rural Hall exit and he said, “that ice cream is good.” (The boy is a smart-butt too lol) So I told him I would stop by the King exit and get him some. Well, in the 10 minutes it took to get there we had been talking and I totally went right past that exit as well. Then I remembered it and that I didn’t stop and promised to stop at Pilot Mountain.

When we pulled into the driveway at home 45 minutes after we left Winston, guess what I had not done…. I didn’t stop. We have three McDonald’s in Mount Airy as well that I could have went to, but I just didn’t think.

A few days after that, a good friend of mine was talking to me about her at the time boyfriend, which is now her husband. She was saying how she didn’t know if he cared about her sometimes because they had went out to eat and afterwards she told him she really wanted some frozen yogurt. They were talking in the car and got all the way to the house and he had not stopped to get her any. She felt forgotten and that he didn’t care. As soon as she said it, I told her about the ice cream incident and how it surely didn’t mean that I didn’t care about Robert and that I wouldn’t have done anything to please him. Just that sometimes we have too much going on in our heads and can’t do it all.

In my “deepest soul” (from the book we are reading) I never want to make Robert feel disrespected, but I feel like I do sometimes. Like when I forget he wants honey pies and ice cream….thank God he loves me anyway!

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Wisdom in the driveway

I am not racist by any means. Growing up in Surry County in the early 80’s, I don’t know how I’m not though. My parents weren’t racist though, so i guess thats why, we believe there are bad people in every race, creed, religion, or whatever.

My husband is biracial, most people are shocked when they hear that, he doesn’t look it very much, but there are a few characteristics that hint to it. It didn’t matter to me from day one what color he was.

We had been seeing each other for about two months or so and he wanted to come over after he got off work one evening and run my driveway for exercise. Papa lived right below me and we shared that same long driveway. As Robert was running I was walking a little bit. Papa had seen him and of course had to come investigate.

He walked out to where his driveway came into the main part and we were standing there talking. As Robert ran by I did a quick Robert this is my papa, papa this is Robert and Rob kept running because he was in the middle of his run, but said hey as he went by.

Papa, who was 80 and of course deaf as a wall said, “What nationality is he?”

“Ummmm, American….'” I said.. And wanted to melt into the pavement because Robert wasn’t very far away and papa was very loud.

He said, “I mean is he black or white or what?”

I told him I thought he may have some black in him because at the time I didn’t even know for sure and didn’t care.

Then I waited. I thought, oh no, please don’t make me mad at you papa. After a few seconds, he said, “you know, that used to might have bothered me, but I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter what color a person is.”

He was so right. He loved Robert like his own and vise versa, I wish I had recorded the gentle way Robert talked to papa and took care of him when he was here in our home and also even helped papa at times I didn’t even know about when papa lived alone. Robert would go get him his favorite red Gatorade, and just do little things like that for him.

I have always said, I don’t care what color someone is as long as they treat me like they want to treated.

My best birthday

I have had many a birthday now. Most have been good days celebrated with family or such, but there’s one birthday that will always stick in my mind. My ninth one.

I am an only child and my papa spoiled me accordingly. I don’t think i was bratty and deserving, but had always been taught to be respectful and appreciative. He came into our dining room on my ninth birthday and handed me a card.

I remember opening the card, you know when you get a card you try to read it and not just see if there’s money in it. Try being nine and doing that! As I was trying to read it a bill slipped out onto the floor.

It was a $100 dollar bill. I had never even held one and this one was being given to me. I immediately burst into tears and asked if this was a joke or something. Papa was beaming. He said it wasn’t a joke and said, “happy birthday baby doll!” He wrapped me into one of his crushing hugs as I was still crying.

This was one of his favorite stories to tell as well because he loved to make me happy. I went nuts and me and my mama went shopping! I remember buying a couple of Atari games, but that’s all. I know there were others thing because I only came back home with a few dollars left in my pocket.

That was such a cool birthday gift for a child!

Thanks for always making me fee special Papa!!